To answer these questions, I must face a truth that my head and my heart are in constant battle with. Yes-our precious little boy, our sweet and silly 2 year old, in-fact, has only half of a working heart. For at least the past year, we have rested in a peace that only our GREAT GOD can deliver. We have received blessing after blessing in our day-to-day lives since Jonah's recovery from his Glenn surgery. But this "comfort zone" that we have become so familiar with and...have enjoyed so immensely seems to be crumbling underneath our feet. I don't like it. I am really scared of it.
When I think of the How's and Why's of Jonah's heart, I actually feel very content. Very confident. I know without the shadow of a doubt that Jesus has given us the most amazing gift in our son's life. When I was about 22 weeks pregnant with Jonah, Rob and I had a very discerning conversation with God. Right there- in the waiting room of the doctors office. From that moment to present day, I have felt free of the burdening thought that anything different from Jonah's life being the most joyful and successful is even possible. But as I think of WHEN we got to this point, only days away from his 3rd planned open heart surgery, I must admit that I am very scared. This fear keeps creeping in. It seems heavy. And these are moments when it is my head that wins the battle. For, surely, it is my heart that holds that sacred place of peace.
I get so sad when I think of the tease that is the time we've spent between Jonah's Glenn and Fontan. How did it go so fast? Did we make every moment count? When I really wrestle with why I feel so scared and so sad, the one thing I keep coming up with is having to watch Jonah go through this difficult procedure. It has been our privilege to guard and to protect him, to love and to nurture him. We are totally wrecked with the idea of letting him go...into the hands of his surgeons, under the abyss of anesthesia, to experience and endure the pain of recovery. We want take to take all of that away from him and take on all that weight upon our own shoulders. But if there ever was a 2 year old who can handle all of this, it is our mighty warrior. We have said this before, but when Jonah is faced with any kind of adversity, even the slightest bit of challenge... he will flourish...he will overcome. Any parent we have ever talked to, that of a child with a CHD or not, says that these types of life events are always harder on Mom and Dad. So much harder...I am not sure I even want Jonah to know. I want him to think of us as his brave and fearless parents.
With that, it seems like I have taken all of you on a bit of the emotional roller coaster that we have been on since waking up this past Sunday morning. I can't tell you how exciting it will be to get off this ride, to get on the other side of the Fontan. The anticipation of it seems like cruel and unusual punishment but we will get to the other side. And we will be witnesses to yet another miracle in our lives!! Of this I am absolutely sure!!! I know 5, 10, 20 years down the road we will be asking ourselves the same question..."When the heck did we get here??" And then Jonah will recount all of the memories of his triumphant life from kindergarten, to college, to marriage...and we will wonder no more. Praise God!
We love you to the moon--
and back, little buddy!!!